Disappointment

I find wants to be interesting.

What creates the want in the first place? That desire for something different, something new.

Especially when what is is perfectly perfect.

Why do we wake up one day saying now I want X?

I've been going back and forth over that horse... should I get him? should I pass? I was uncertain. Unsettled.

Did I want a horse? Yes. Was he "the" horse? I wasn't sure. I even put it on my to-do list "Make a decision about Snickers".

Saturday morning I scrolled through some posts and found the prettiest little mare just posted for sale. One town over.

In talking with the owner she sounded just about perfect - 9 years old, started as a reiner but then so gentle she was transitioned into a children's lesson horse. Miles and miles of trail experiences and just the right size.

We make the trek over the mountain and I go for a ride. Around the arena, out on the trail... she was amazing. Half way through the trail ride I was sold and started making plans to bring her home, the things we would do this summer, the places we would go and the lessons we would take. I would help her out of her "school horse" shell and she would help me overcome my deep seated fears.

And then the owner, who originally had showed interest in doing a lease to purchase agreement, decided that there were too many people interested in her... so she was no longer interested in putting her up for lease. Sale only. Full price. Up front.

Disappointment rained down upon my head. Tears stung my eyes.

I tried different scenarios, contemplated methods of payment, fussed and fought with myself.

In the end I sent a message saying I'm sorry, I cannot purchase her at this time but if she happens to not sell, I would be interested in a month or so.

I felt good about the decision. I felt disappointed in the outcome.

Would I have loved to wake up this morning and see her out in my pasture? Absolutely.

Would I have regretted the financial impact of buying her when we are not quite ready? Absolutely.

We've worked too hard and sacrificed too much to get into a more stable financial position to just fall back into those bad financial habits over a "want".

I'm still disappointed today and I'm still proud of myself for making the right financial decision.

But I've also discovered two things:

1.) That the gelding from the other day is not the right horse for me. As amazing as he is, he is still a baby that will need years of development before he will be the steady horse I want.

2.) I really do want a horse again.

And who knows, maybe that pretty little mare won't sell and in another month or so she may just show up in my pasture... And if that's not to be, I'm sure there is another who will steal my heart just as quickly.








No comments: