Day 11 ... My work-a-holic self

(c) John Pinder via Flickr

I would love to be an artist.

Colorful, carefree, whimsical, a tad eccentric, unique.... a little bit of hippy, city, and country all rolled together with pine needles and a dash of sea salt.  Where art is as much about how they live and who they are as it is the items that they create. Such a persona, in my imagination, would create art that is interesting and stimulating, beautiful and organic, unusual and casual.

That is the artist I would love to be.

And yet, because when I look in the mirror I do not see "that" person, I define myself as not an artist..... or, at best, a wannabe.

This wannabe concept expands through all of my life - a mental definition and picture of what it means to be a writer, an equestrian, a gardener, a wife, a mother, a friend, a daughter, a niece, a woman, an embracer of life... and so many more areas.

What I do see when I look in the mirror is my definition of a worker. I fit my self-made mold almost perfectly and yet I can still make up areas where I should be a better worker... where I'm not quite good enough.  For the most part though, I fit that mold.

It is safe. I know how to do it. I feel successful.

Unfortunately, that worker definition comes at the expense of everything else. I'm coming to believe that being a work-a-holic is a defense mechanism I've created so that I do not have to face and tear down my definitions for the other areas in my life.

I'm too busy working to be a gardener.... Or am I scared I won't fit the mold of a gardener that I've created so I make myself too busy to try?

Sadly, I believe the truth is found in the later.

Where the real problem lies is in my creation of those molds in the first place. There is no one type of anything in life, and here I found I've created for myself a pass or fail test. I either fit the perfect (in my opinion) mold or I fail.

So on day 11 of my challenge to move from a work-a-holic to a life-a-holic I'm beginning to smash my molds. It's a work in progress.... I've created many molds.... so many that there are ones shoved to the back corners of my mind covered in cobwebs and dust and long forgotten.  Dreams and ideas and possibilities and experiences lost to negativity.

I'm finding them slowly... as I peel away layers of work responsibilities and create open spaces of time in which I have time to think "Oh I could do X"  that is when the negativity pops up saying "But you're not an X so you can't do that" ...  It is in that moment that I am finding those hidden molds and it is my opportunity to smash them.

Smash them I shall.

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