Creativity.... Feeling vs Thought

I posted this the other day as a comment over on The Noisy Plume blog.

We had a blue morning here…. not the blue of summer, but the blue promise of spring. The sunrise turned the hills and the clouds and, it seemed, even the air the lightest of blues.

A distinct change from the grey of winter mornings.

Oh how a bit of color can rouse a new feeling in a person who has been swaying to the rhythm of winter’s white drum.

Sometimes the words seem to flow from a place that is not me, and yet more truly me than anything else.  I'm almost surprised by what shows up on the page - the words come not from thought but from feeling.

And when that happens I can't help but read the words over and over again. Each time exclaiming "yes!" as I connect with the place from which they flowed.

I yearn for that creative influence to rest upon my head... to create from the well of feelings so deep that I have yet to consciously tap into them.  To bring them to the surface for the world, and myself, to witness.

The challenge, I'm finding, is that there has been no rhyme or reason as to when (or if) I will be graced with the ability to create from that place.  And so, as a deadline approaches, I tend to stare at the blank page wishing for that flow of words to begin. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn't. And when it doesn't, that is when I am (slowly) learning to create from thought.

I feel more hesitant, more concerned with how my words will be received, when I publish them from a place of thought. It is as though one version is art and the other is academic.

If something I've written from feeling is criticized - so what! It's art! Love it or hate it - either way you've felt *something*.... and isnt' that what art is supposed to do?

With the words created from knowledge, from thought, from research.... this is where I cringe.

And yet they are both art. They are both creative. I am beginning to believe they both are grounded in that same deep place of feeling and truth....

The Year I Turn 40


2013.

The year I turn 40.

Society would have me bemoan this fact.... I've tried. I cannot.

I'm excited to be 40.

Isn't that just a magical number?

It feels so.... grown up.

I finally feel *exactly* my age.  From my earliest years, I've felt older than the candles on my cake.

Today I feel in sync, in rythm with myself and the season of my life.

Now that my years have caught up with my self - I feel confident. calm. powerful. relaxed. exuberant. ready.

Ready to launch into my future - to grasp life completly. 

The Sages speak of receiving the gift of understanding at the age of 40.  That this is the season of life when transformations can, and should, occur.... I imagine a rebirth of sorts.

Trust.

Trust is my focus this year. Perhaps, it also means faith. Faith that everything is for the best. Letting go of (my imagined) control - trusting. Trusting myself. Trusting others. Trusting G-d.

Trust speaks of freedom to me.... freedom from worry.

Within that freedom I pray I'll find the gift of understanding. Wrapped up in faith, courage, wisdom, simplicity, humility, peace.

Assumptions

I was late meeting up with family yesterday.

Sometimes it takes longer to get going with a little one than I plan for.

He was joyfully frolicing on the bed while I ran around repacking his bag... again.  Oh how he loves to unpack bags!

Motherhood has more joys to it than I ever imagined... despite having imagined for approximately 22 years. And watching this little man squeel in delight as he throws clothes and diapers from his bag is one of the many little daily pleasures.

As delightful as it is, it is also time consuming and causes my usual punctual self to occasionally run a little behind when trying to leave the house.

It was during this moment of tardiness that I received a bit of insight... a little wake up call about the many assumptions that I (don't we all?) make.

12 years ago I was a want-to-be-mom visiting with my sister-in-law, a new mom.  We had plans leave her house at, say 10am. I arrive early and my nephew was nursing. Then burping. More nursing. Fell asleep. (It's well after our designated leaving time by now, but who wants to wake a sleeping baby?) Baby wakes, needs changed. Hungry. More nursing. More burping. Spit up - change clothes. Into the car seat and, finally, off we go. 

I remember (grumpily) making the assumption that IF my sister-in-law planned differently we could have left on time.

As I wrangled my little one into the car seat yesterday, I remembered many of the other assumptions I'd made about child rearing during my years of infertility.

How wrong I had been in those assumptions! More accurately, I was wrong to assume I knew all of the many fine details that go into each individuals day to day life and therefore their decisions.

Could my sister-in-law have packed up my nephew as soon as I arrived so that we could have been on our way? Sure. Would she (and I) have missed out on a relaxing time at home enjoying the baby. Absolutely.

OH those assumptions.... placing our views and opinions into situations where we have no knowledge (and no authority) to do so. 

How easy is it to do so! Those flitting thoughts that pass through, almost subconsiously. 

Glancing at the overweight person who is parked as close to the shopping center as possible and thinking "If they'd park a little farther from the door they'd get the exercise they need!".

Spotting a beggar on the street corner and thinking "They'll just buy booze with the money."

And even when it concerns ourselves "I can't talk to that guy/gal, they won't want to have anything to do with me."

I'm challenging myself, and I challenge you - catch yourself in the midst of making assumptions.  Try to be kind by giving people (and yourself) the benefit of the doubt.  If you must make an assumption, assume the good.

At the end of the day, isn't that what everyone wants? To do good, to be thought of as good.












Jerkey...... Fail

We bought this little doozie last fall:


OH! The plans we had (have?) to make wonderful, healthy jerkey with the beef and venison in our freezer.

Step 1 - Read smoker instructions.

Step 2 - Read book on making jerkey.

Step 3 - Ready, set, smoke!

Thaw and slice meat:


Place in marinade and refrigerate for 24 hours:


Place meat on racks at room temperature for 30 minutes:


Place in smoker.  After first 2 hours, rotate every 30 minutes until done.

Results:


Looks delish! 

Tastes..... Horrible! and smells even worse!

Not sure where we went wrong.... have to assume that we just do not like this particular brand of marinade.

But now we have a couple pounds of *delish* dog treats for puppy class.  Krawler should be thrilled.

The missings in life



Life changes.

It's a good thing.

Really.

Acutally, I crave change.

Look forward to it.

But sometimes.

Sometimes, change means that you'll miss something...

Or someone

Because that change,

Although good,

Removed them from your life.

And today,

Today I am missing my horses.

A Lot.

Breathe a little deeper

Sometimes I feel crushed within myself.... as though the weight and breadth of my body has caused the real me to crumple in, to be restricted and confined, unable to stretch my wings.

Movement becomes challenging, as though I'm wearing clothes that are several sizes too small, I'm pinched and shunted into small increments of range.

Hours upon hours of sitting, unmoving save the few inches from keyboard to phone, have much to do with this withering of self.  It has caused expansion of excess weight, reduction of mobility, stress and tension. 

And yet, my self has not lost it's voice... daily it calls out from the depths of this self imposed prision asking to be set free.  Asking to be moved and challenged, to have breath brought deep into the core, to have toxins purged and joy consumed.   To move beyond the sterile concrete environment into earth, to nature, to the place where self can be fully expressed.

The more I listen to this voice, the more I find my truth. 

Each day the binds that I've created from inactivity become a little looser as I fight from within to regain my natural state of movement, to express the abilities of this body and the creativity of my self.

Each breath gives me a new oportunity to expand my truth and so I shall breate a little deeper and find joy in the journey.